The Mystery of the Missing Birthday Package

Dear USPS,

I sent a birthday package to my one and only sister two weeks ago only for her to tell me it had just arrived today. It was cleanly slit open with all its contents missing, simply labeled, "damaged in handling". I dropped off the package personally during off-hours at the USPS in Amherst, NY (Located at 5500 North Bailey Ave.). I bought adequate postage using the APC at the entrance before entrusting it in your hands through the big mail bin. Alas, I did not purchase the insurance or tracking services which you kindly (and unfortunately, necessarily) provide.

This package contained a blouse (worth $49.00), chopsticks sets (~ $4.00) a tea infuser thingamajig (~$5.00) a birthday card (~$2.00) and lots of love (priceless). I do understand that things get damaged during handling, but this looks like thievery to me. I hope you do the right thing.

A disappointed patron,
Melissa Lee.

Bad Timing

Bad timing is when you're sneaking out for a game of tennis in the evening and the elevator doors open at the entrace with your boss on the other side of the doors.

The Three Little Pig (Stories)

Little Pig Story #1: Afghan Pig

Excerpts:
Afghanistan's lone pig in the Kabul Zoo is under quarantine to qualm fears of panicked visitors who fear swine flu. The interned animal, known simply as "Pig", was one of two given to Afghanistan by China in 2002. However, the other pig and their offspring were killed in an attack by a bear. Despite being the only pig, it was not too lonely.

"The pig made friends with a goat and was happy sticking to the goat in the enclosure, where some other goats and deer were on show for visitors."

Little Pig Story #2: Swine Flu Hits Malaysia

Less than two months before my journey home, swine flu emerges in America only to travel swiftly to Malaysia through a university student flying out via New York. I'm only hoping that my friends do not treat me like a diseased pariah when I get home. I'll keep the sniffles to a minimum.

Little Pig Story #3: Accoustic Pigometer

Cops: Part II

I got pulled over by the cops, yet again! This time, after dinner accompanied by a 1.5 drinks. *Gasp!* (Important Note: I was not intoxicated!)

I was driving home when bright blinding lights appeared on my rearview mirror. My heart was thumping in my chest as I pulled over. It took an eternity before the police officer appeared at my window.

"License and registration."

I fumbled for my purse and promptly handed him my health insurance card. POMCO. Fuck shit oops. Took it back and gave him the real thing. I fumbled into my glove compartment next and couldn't tell the difference between my registration and insurance card. Great. BIMBO anybody?

"Is there something with your eyes?"
"I'm not wearing my glasses, officer."
Also, silently in my head I'm screaming, "These smudges below my eyes, sir? They're from the lack of sleep and wearing cheap mascara after 12 hours at work, sir! Not drunkeness!"
"Follow my finger with your eyes."
He shines a blinding flashlight into my eyes.

ZOMG. Left. Right. Left Right. Leeeefft. Riiiight. Llllleeeeeeft. Rrrrrriiiiight. leftrightleftright. Phew. Clearly, you can see, I'm not drunk.

"You didn't signal back there."
"I'm sorry?" Does that work? I just 'stayed' in the rightmost lane that was going straight. Technically? Is that okay? I really don't know.
"Well, drive home safe."

I thank my lucky stars tonight.